Together We Will Survive

What would you do if your child’s doctor told you that he has a condition that is completely treatable, but is fatal in 15-20% of all cases?  That this condition will be with him his whole life.  He won’t grow out of it.  But with the proper treatment plan, he can live a relatively ‘normal’ life.

Would you sit there in disbelief?  Curl up in a ball and cry?  Get angry?  Feel certain you will find a way to make it through this, but the next moment feel completely overwhelmed and uncertain?  All of the above?  Human emotion is complex.  And so is the brain.  So is my son’s brain.

Remember my recent post, There I Said It, where I talked about my son having anxiety, ADHD, depression and a mood disorder?  Well, it has been further clarified.

My son has bipolar disorder.

My. Son. Has bipolar disorder.   

My son has a condition which is totally treatable, yet is fatal in 15-20% of the diagnosed cases, due to suicide.  I’m stuck here.  On this statistic.  The number itself is jarring.  But it’s even more haunting, because my son has attempted to hurt himself before, has had episodes of risk taking behavior, has had thoughts…many thoughts on not wanting to be here on this Earth anymore.

Truthfully, I’ve suspected this diagnosis for awhile.  I began to suspect it a couple of years ago when he had a breakdown; something I’d now classify as a manic depressive state or a rage.  But hearing the doctor say the words…well, it’s just different.  It’s harder.  I try and tell myself, I know we will be okay.  But really, I don’t know that.

What I do know is that we will try as hard as we can, as hard as we know how, to make it through this.  To attack it head on.  To smother it with love.  To talk about it as we see fit.  To not give it too much power.  To embrace it as much as possible.

And to NOT be ashamed of it.

I refuse to allow it to define us, to hold us back, to keep us from all that is possible.  

I know that some days in this journey will be harder than others.  Today is one of those days.  And there doesn’t have to be a reason why.  We are human.  We are complex.  And we have feelings.  And sometimes, we have to stop smiling and pretending that all is okay.  Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to cry and feel defeated.  But we know that these moments will be fleeting.

Sometimes we just need to acknowledge that THIS. IS. HARD.

And this is where I borrow inspiration from Glennon Melton over at Momastery.com when she says, “We can do hard things”.

Yes we can G, yes we can.  Thank you for the reminder.

So as I struggled today, stuck on that statistic I mentioned above, I reached out to a dear friend.  She kindly reminded me that this also means that ’80- 85% survive.  Focus on that number’.  Yes.  This will be my new mantra in times of trouble.  85% survive.

85% survive.   85%!

And together, we will try as hard as we can, as hard as we know how, to make it through this.