“Mommy, you must come get me. Now. Right now. I can’t stay here. I’m worried I’m going to hurt myself. Please…”
His voice was breaking. He was crying. I could hear fear and desperation. He had fallen, into a deep and dark place again. And for no particular reason that any of us could discern. But this was becoming more clear to me now. There aren’t always reasons we can turn to. There aren’t always triggers. There are just moods. Drastic and swinging moods. Moods that can make him laugh and sing and dance. Giggle uncontrollably. Moods that can cause him to run every where he goes, as if connected to a motor. Or stand on tables. Or yell all his words, throwing the ‘inside voice’ out the door.
And then there are the other moods. Moods that wash his face with sadness. Seal his lips in silence. Moods that bring on despair and hopelessness. That weigh his shoulders down. Cover him in darkness. That make his mind heavy and chaotic. Moods that bring so much pain that the only option seems to be one in which he is no longer on Earth.
Last week, the shadows visited him again. That morning I could tell the moment I woke him up that his mind was fighting the darkness. He seemed sad, a bit despondent, but not alarmingly so. As we drove the six blocks to school, he gazed out the window, wearing the sadness. As is often the case, I hoped that once he was in a new setting with his friends, he’d come out of the funk and feel some happiness. It was hump day after all! The week was almost half over.
As we pulled in front of the school, I gave him my usual ‘Love you…Have a good day,’ and received little response as he got out of the car and shuffled into school. I contemplated emailing his case manager to warn her that he seemed ‘off’ today, but then decided against it. Because this is many, if not most, days. A couple of hours later she emailed me, asking if there was anything she needed to know, because he was acting in a way she’d never seen. Shortly after that she called with concern about how he was acting. He was exhibiting destructive actions; pulling things off walls and pouring buckets of antibacterial gel down drains.
Then he called. Crying.
“Mommy, you must come get me. Now. Right now. I can’t stay here. I’m worried I’m going to hurt myself. Please…”
“Noah, what’s wrong honey? Why are you so upset?”
“Mommy, ” his voice sounded so far away, “Mommy…please come get me. I need you. I can’t stay here. You need to take me someplace safe.”
I had been at Starbucks, when his call came in. Writing a funny post of all things. I was feeling happy that day. The sun was shining, I was feeling blessed. I was listening to good music, feeling like dancing.
As he’s crying on the other end of the phone, I hurriedly packed my bag with one hand, while grasping the phone to my ear with the other, struggling to hear him and hoping he stayed on the line so I would still feel connected to him during his struggle. He kept crying for me to take him out of there.
I put on my ‘calm and in control Mom’ mask and tried to keep him talking while I got in the car.
“Noah, why are you so sad? Why are you worried you are going to hurt yourself?”
I don’t know why I ask these questions. In the moment, it really doesn’t matter. But it continues to be a basic human need to be able to reason everything. To have a cause to the effect. An answer to the question. If A, then B. I’m learning that, as mentioned earlier, that there aren’t always reasons or causes. There isn’t always an A. Sometimes, we just end up at B, without any idea how we got there.
I don’t really remember the details of how I got there, to the school. But I know I drove. And I know that I told Noah I was on my way. Thankfully I was only five minutes away from the school.
“Mommy, please hurry. I’m scared,” he said through tears and pain.
“I’m coming Noah, I’m coming. Should we pray together while I drive there?”
“Yes.”
“Dear Lord, please watch over Noah. Please make him feel comfort and peace. Please help him feel his pain wash away as you bless him with your guidance and support. Dear Lord, please provide him safety in your presence and feel loved. Help him know his isn’t alone. That he has angels in Grandma Betty and Grandma Arlene watching over him. Help him feel loved. Wrap your arms around him Lord and comfort him. Amen.”
“Amen.” His voice was small and weak. But it was still there.
I pulled into a parking spot at the school and walked up. He came running out, charging into my arms, tears streaming down his face. I held him tight. Never wanting to let him go. Wishing my arms could take away all of his pain.
“Mommy, you need to take me a way from here. Take me to Dr. Carter. I need to be somewhere safe. I need to leave. Mommy, please…please.”
I don’t remember the exact questions I asked. And really they don’t matter. But we stood outside the school for several minutes, holding each other. Him crying, me using every fiber of my being to stay strong and calm. To be the support he needed in the moment. I could cry later. Right now, he needed me to assure him that all would be okay. Because if there was anything he wasn’t certain of right now, it was that.
“Noah, it’s going to be okay, alright? I’m here. We’re going to figure this out.”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna be here anymore. I don’t wanna be on this Earth anymore.”
“Why, because you hurt so bad? You’re in so much pain?”
He nodded, tears still streaming down his face, “I’m scared Mommy. I don’t wanna die. That would hurt you.”
His eyes pleaded for me to help him. What could I do? I didn’t know what to do. In these moments I rely on faith to guide me to make the right decisions. I didn’t know what to do. I had a million questions in my head at once, bouncing around like a rubber ball, having a complete conversation with myself in a millisecond.
Should I bring him home from school? But he’s not sick.
Heather! He IS sick. It may not be the flu or strep. But he’s sick.
But then he might think he can just throw a fit and get out of school?
Seriously? You’re worried about that right now? Where is he safest right now?
I don’t know, but he certainly doesn’t feel safe right now, right here.
Exactly. Take him home. Call the doctor. Go from there.
And that’s what we did. We walked through his school, hand in hand, him leaning into the side of my body, seeming to seek comfort and protection. We picked up his school work and backpack from his locker and headed home.
It took time, more tears from him and more comfort from me, until he felt safe and calm. After some time, the darkness seemed less of a threat and eventually faded away. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. He was anxious to move past the last couple of hours.
When I asked him later why he was so upset, he still didn’t know. We didn’t have a reason. We still don’t. This is hard to accept. It feels like if we have a reason, a ‘why’ to all of this, we can try and prevent it from happening again. If, if, if. If A, then B. If I know the cause, maybe I can prevent the effect. Maybe I can eliminate his pain. Stop the tears from falling. Make him want to stay on this Earth with me.
But that’s not how this disease works. In a world that strives for more control, more order, we must learn that this is the antithesis of that. And we must learn to make peace with that.
Mom says
God bless this child! Bless this family!
Heather says
Thank you Mom…we will take every blessing and prayer we can get!
Mom says
God bless you Noah!
Shelly Nauertz says
🙁 I said your prayer Sister…For your beautiful boy and for you…… Love You!!!
Heather says
Thank you my friend…we need the prayers!
Jen Meisch says
It made me so sad for the both of you to read this. Thankfully, I don’t deal with his thoughts of suicide, but I also struggle with Logan and his dark moods, Jekyll/Hyde behavior and wrestle every single day with his moods and trying to get through “normal”. It’s such a good question you pose. Why? What makes it so bad? Logan quickly gets dark, sad and cries often always seeming hurt and angry but then can turn around and be so sweet and genuine. Although I know the diagnoses, as a parent, you want to figure out a way to fix everything, to find calm and patience among the mist of the everyday expectations. My heart hurts for him AND me and my heart hurts for you and Noah. Hopefully he finds comfort in faith knowing there is a God out there who loves him. My two very fave quotes that get me through all things: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord, ” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.”
Phillipeans 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.
Hugs to both of you!!!