Has Anyone Seen My Tiara?

Has anyone seen my tiara? Seriously, the Princess is back in town and my tiara is missing. As are my minions, my admirers and my Omelette chef. What the hell?

You see, I just got back from an AHHHHHH-mazing vacation. We traveled to Puerto Los Cabos (about 35 minutes from Cabo San Lucas) and stayed in one of these adult only, all-inclusive resorts (don’t worry, you get to keep your top on – it wasn’t that kind of resort). The resort just opened in December and was freaking ridiculous. Lush, Lavish, Luxurious. It really was a vacation of a lifetime. Beautiful ocean views, gorgeous infinity pools, multiple restaurant choices, a spa and even daily yoga overlooking the ocean.

Plain and simple, it was kick ass.

Breakfast is the best on vacation. Between your omelette of choice, as well as a buffet stocked with fresh fruit and juices, a variety of pastries and fresh french toast coated in cinnamon and sugar – well, it’s bliss. Oh, and the bacon. A vat of bacon. Heaven. I always started out breakfast with good intentions. Egg white omelette with tomato and a green juice. But then I’d pass by the bacon. And the french toast. Forget it. Had to have that too.

After breakfast, you had to make the extremely difficult choice of where to plant your ass for the day. One of two pools or beachside, with the continuous and unending flow of drinks of your choice. Sounds terrible, right?

And the staff at the resort, well they were just – dare I say – amazeballs. Every single person working for the resort that we encountered was fan-frigging-tastic. The most delightful display of customer service I’ve ever seen. They truly know how to make you feel special, like royalty. After every interaction, when I’d say thank you, they’d respond with, “It is my pleasure.” And they were even believable when they said it!

So here I am, feeling like the princess, while I’m on vacation. The only finger I had to lift while there, was the one attached to the hand holding my drink. Pretty awesome.

So herein lies the problem. Now I’m home. And I’m no longer a princess. My tiara is clearly missing. There is no staff to wait on my every whim and need.

Candidly, I’m not adjusting to reality very well. I’m downright crabby. Ornery. Irritable.

Annnnnd…I have lift multiple fingers. To do laundry. And cook dinner. And pick up dog poop off the carpet. To spray for ants (even they can’t handle this stupid-ass winter). To help with homework and do more laundry. And no one, I mean no one, is offering to help me! Or bring me drinks! And for damn sure, no one is smiling at me and telling me that it is their pleasure to help me. RUDE.

Then there’s this white crap all over the place. And the cold. The C-O-L-D. I’m a Minnesota girl, born and raised, but my tolerance for winter is quickly waning. Must be the ‘getting older’ thing. I just don’t have the patience for this crap anymore. Give me snow and cold from about December 1st until December 26th (January 1st – if you must), after that…get the hell out Winter. I’ve got not use for you!

I’m seriously considering relocating – with or without my family. Okay, maybe not without them, but I’ve got to pretend a warmer climate for living is in my near future, or I may just go bat-shit crazy. More than I already am.

This rant sounds incredibly ungrateful – and it isn’t intended to be that way. Rather, I’m poking fun at myself for my clear inability to re-enter the real world, to get back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now (you see what I did there?). Anyhoo, real life is stupid. Right? Be honest now. Wouldn’t you just love to wake up every day to a view like this? Wouldn’t you enjoy having someone available to make whatever omelette you felt like? Oh…and homework helpers – can you imagine if someone was right there asking you what drink you wanted brought to you, while you are helping your child with long division of decimals? I mean COME ON. Don’t tell me this doesn’t sound the least bit appealing (aside from the fact that we’d all quickly become lushes).

Truly, the vacation was one of the best I’ve ever had. Of course I missed my booger face (that would be my eleven year old son, who will be really pissed off when he finds out I referred to him as ‘booger face’), but the lack of responsibility I had for a week was pure bliss. When your hardest decision is which type of vinotherapy massage you want (champagne, chardonnay, cabernet sauvignon) – well, you know you’re in a good place and must relish every moment. Oh, and that IS a really hard decision, by the way. I chose champagne. Getting a rub down with champagne massage oil and then finishing the experiencing with a glass of champagne…well, it was magnifico! Besides, it is really important to replenish your fluids after a massage. Everyone knows that.

The trip served its purpose. To provide rest and relaxation, a break from the stress and tediousness of everyday routines (helping with homework) and I’m incredibly grateful with the blessings bestowed upon me. Truly.

Just know, if you happen to cross my path in the near future and I’m a little out of sorts, I’m just frustrated to have lost my tiara and all that goes with it. I’m wondering though, do you think I could train my kid to fetch drinks and make omelettes when I ask and do so while responding, ‘My pleasure’?

Yeah. You’re right. Probably not.

No Bueno.

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Wondering where we stayed?  Check out Secrets Resorts & Spas. As I said, amazeballs! However, I think I may recommend they hand out tiaras at check in. Nice touch, no?