As I mentioned in the first post of the Claiming My Life series, I feel ready to own my life. To make changes. To serve myself with intent.
Do you know what just happened when I wrote that, ‘To serve myself with intent‘? I shivered slightly. And…an entire conversation just happened, with myself, in my head.
Self: Yuck – how selfish and egomaniacal of you. How dare you focus on yourself? What is wrong with you? Seriously, you’re going to write that?
Other Self: Yes, because if I don’t focus on myself, how can I be any good for others?
Self: Seriously, you can’t write that. You sound like an asshole.
Other Self: But I’m not an asshole, I’m trying to ensure I care for myself, as much as I care for others.
Self: Seriously. You…can’t…write…that.
Other Self: I’m going to write it, because the very fact that it is this uncomfortable for me to write it, means I need to. It means I need to learn how to care for myself. Not at the cost of others, but in addition to others. And that means starting in places I’m most uncomfortable with, places that are the most challenging, most out of my comfort zone. And that means putting it down, in writing, that I, Heather Petri, am focused on caring for myself. So there.
Self: Okay then, but somebody might read that and think you’re a real jerk.
Other Self: I know. And that’s why it is so uncomfortable for me to write it down, for all to see. Because someone may not like it. Someone may think I’m a real jerk after reading it. Someone. Might. Not. Like. Me. *GASPS* And it’s going to have to be okay for me to learn to serve myself with intent, not at the cost of others, but in the benefit of myself and others. And it may mean, that sometimes, people may not like me. And I’m trying to learn to care less about being liked.
Self: *Sighs* Alright then. But that might mean I don’t like you. That might mean I think you’re being an asshole. And then, I’m going to spew guilt ridden statements at you to make you feel small, make you feel selfish and rude. Are you prepared for that Other Self?
That is the real question, isn’t it. Am I prepared for the threat of others not liking me? Or worse yet, the threat of my own self disliking myself?
Truth be told, I’m learning to be prepared. It’s going to hurt some days, right? It could be hard some days. But I’m determined to focus on myself in a healthy way – even if that means I have to fight myself for it. Because in reality, the saying is true. I am my own worst enemy.
I told you in my last post that I’d be living this Life Claiming business out in the open. For all to see. Vulnerable and unshielded. So there you go. There you have it. I talk to myself. And now, I even document it. And guess what? It is totally ridiculous AND totally helpful to document these negative conversations that happen in your own head.
Last week, I wrote about Claiming My Life and doing so with intention. Near the end of the post, I shared that my next step was sending a message. Today, as I sat down to write, I was prepared to write about this next step. Prepared to write about the message I sent, who it was to and why.
But as I sat down and wrote the first few lines; specifically as I wrote the line, ‘To serve myself with intent’, I had this a-ha moment. I realized how my Self was trying to tell my Other Self that she was cuckoo for Coco Puffs for stating she was going to serve herself with intent. And suddenly, I realized how much we all do this. And how we all struggle to fight off the negative Nelly, the sarcastic Self that exists within all of us.
As I thought about the conversation taking hold in the three ring circus of my brain, I realized that sharing it could be helpful for others. So I started writing it down. And guess what happened next. When I re-read it, I realized just how much, how often, how negatively I talk to myself.
So…this clearly needs to be another step for me as I Claim My Life, right? Intently listening to all that occupies my mind. Intently listening to what I say to myself and when I say it. Intently taking time to write it down. Because re-reading it makes you realize how ridiculous it is. You’d never say the nasty things to others, that you say to yourself (unless you really are a total asshole). So why do we sit there as bystanders allowing ourselves to talk to our ‘Other Selves’ in such a craptastic, jerk-off, assholian (another made up word – yay me!) manner?
I’m not sure the ‘why’ really matters. What matters is the, ‘what are you going to do about it?’
My suggestion is simple.
Start paying attention to your thoughts. When you are feeling afraid, or nervous, or scared or vulnerable, pay attention. Pay REALLY close attention to your thoughts. What are they saying? What conversation is happening in your head?
Now write it down. Seriously. Write it down.
Now read it.
Are you okay with it? Are you okay with how your Self is talking to your Other Self? Does it feel good? Would you talk that way to someone else?
No? Me either.
So let’s stop talking to ourselves that way.
Easier said than done, I know. It is going to take practice. Take INTENTION (darn, that word is coming up a lot lately). But WE CAN DO THIS (shhhh Self, stop telling me I can’t. I can.)…WE CAN!
Together, we CAN do this. We can be kind and gentle with ourselves. We can talk nicely and encourage ourselves. We can serve ourselves with intent. And we can do so feeling good about it.
Are you with me?
Put on your capes Other Selves. We CAN do this!
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P.S. More on that message next time. I promise.
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