I. Am. My Messy Beautiful

 

I am. Two simple words we say often, followed by an adjective. Or a noun. Or one of those other more complicated parts of our language. We’re always busy trying to fill in the blank. I am _________. Seriously. Am I alone here? I feel like I’m constantly trying to fill in the blank. Literally and figuratively. It has my mind busy like a three ring circus with multiple acts in every ring. Busy. Chaotic. Yet feeling empty. Always trying to achieve the next best thing. When really, I’m already a lot of awesome things. So why the need to always have more? BE more?

One day I decided to take a current inventory, to make a current list, filling in the ‘I am _______.

I am:

A mother.

A writer.

A daughter. Significant other. Funny. Sad. Busy. Hopeful. Heavy. Frumpy. Pretty. Pale. Hungry. Happy. Irritated. Empty. Goofy.

A Dancer.

A Reader.

A Doer.

Lazy. Tired. Faithful. Compassionate. Caring. Oblivious. Focused. Sensitive. Emotional. Okay.

Good God. How many times a day do I say, “I’m okay.”

Every day. Every moment. I search to define what I am. Who I am.

And it is tiring. Because all of those things and feelings, those nouns and adjectives…well I feel ALL of them at once. Right now. In this moment, I feel all of those things I listed. And you know what? You know what word I just realized didn’t come to mind?

Loved.

I asked myself the question, ‘I am….’ and loved never entered into my mind. Never was spoken.

I am loved. I know I am. But why didn’t that come into my mind?

If you’ve read any of my posts in recent months, you know how hard things have been around here. So much time spent loving and supporting, healing and hiding, laughing and crying. Watching your child fight every day for happiness, waking up every day and hoping today he’ll feel better, today he’ll feel like he has a place in this world. Watching that every. single. day. And feeling like there is little you can do to help him, little you can do to protect him…well it leaves your mind reeling and your heart breaking. I needed something to help slow my thoughts, calm my heart – so I turned to meditation. Wow. Is that hard. I’m not great at it. But I’m getting better.  If you’ve never meditated, you should know that a very integral part of it, is finding a mantra to repeat in your head while you meditate. The mantra helps improve concentration, unify your focus and block unwanted thoughts. Sometimes, mantras are provided for you when doing a guided meditation. But sometimes, sometimes…they tell you to create your own.

The first time I was to create my own, I thought, no problem, I got this. I’m a writer!

I tried, and tried, and tried to come up with some super cool mantra that would leave me feeling cleansed, focused, calm, peaceful and ready to face the world.

Pfffft. Riiiiight. Creating your own mantra is MUCH harder than it sounds! And like total kismet, I ran across an article while perusing social media, about choosing a mantra for meditation (thank you baby Jesus. Thank you. You always look out for me!). And you guys, guess what!? It had the BEST, best, BESTEST mantra I ever heard!

I am. 

That IS the mantra. I. Am.

Whoa.

Such a simple phrase. And it washed over me like a giant namaste blessing.

I. Am.

The author of the article suggested you inhale on the word I, and exhale on the word, am.

Rocket – freaking – science. Holy A-HA moment. For the love of all that is yoga. Where has this phrase, in its bare essential, been all my life? And what the hell does bare essential mean anyway? See…this is clearly why I can’t write my own mantra. I kept trying to make it so deep, so powerful, so this, so that. Isn’t that just the way? Aren’t we always trying to add on…add up…add everything. Aren’t we always trying to add to the ‘I am _______’ list?

When all we REALLY need is just I. Am. All we REALLY need is to Just. Be.

This. This is the answer to all I am. All I am trying to be. All I’ve been. When I search, day in and out to name, label, explain me. I’m always searching for all those nouns and adjectives. When I can simply stop and say, ‘I. Am.’ Because I. Am. is enough. Why get lost in all the things we are, wish we were and may never be? Why not just make peace with, ‘I. Am.’ Why not just let the namaste blessing wash over us…quietly, gently.

Now, close your eyes. Weird…I know. But try it.

Breathe in… I. Breath out. Am.

Do you feel it? Do you feel all that you are without having to name it? Label it?

And you know what else? When I truly take the time to breathe and say these two words.

I Am.

I don’t need to be anything else. I don’t need to claim anything else. I can Just Be.

In its truest form, it is a mantra. A prayer. A blessing. All in three little letters, two little words.

Words that carry such weight, yet leave me feeling weightless. Words that carry such power, and fill me with strength.

I. Am.

It is enough. Isn’t it? To just be? Without the labels, the descriptions, the adjectives and nouns?

Such freedom we have when we just are. When we choose to just be.

And here’s the thing. We ARE all of those things we say. Except the bad stuff. We’re not ugly. We’re not unworthy. We’re not stupid, fat or weak.

Saying ‘I Am’ isn’t to discount or minimize what and who we are. Instead, it’s to accept ALL of who we are. The imperfections. The greatness. The messy. The beautiful.

Broken, battered AND whole.

We are the things.  We are all of the things. Except those that make us less than.

I am. You are. We are.

Just Be.

Namaste Messy Beautiful Warriors.

Namaste.

 This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!