“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
― Mother Teresa
My heart is heavy. I’ve been attempting to write multiple posts this week. Posts on back to school, that time I crashed a motorcycle, the fine lines forming around my eyes and 42 letters of gratitude in celebration of my 42nd birthday…among a few others.
But you know what? I haven’t been able to finish any of them. Nor did I want to. Because, I’m just not ready. What a dark, heavy, week (or several really) of unrest it has been around the world. From #Ferguson and #WhitePrivilege to#Iraq and #Gaza, from #Ebola to #RobinWilliams and #MentalHealth, and more.
My heart aches for humanity. I can’t pretend to know the struggles of all humans, both those in our back yard and those abroad. But what I know is this. We are all humans. All needing love and respect, compassion vulnerability, and for someone to see us. To just see us. Hear us. We need one another. We want to matter. And we want to be seen and heard as much as the person that sits beside us, lives next to us, rides the train with us.
Just writing this post for me is hard, because I don’t like conflict. I don’t like disagreements and arguing. I don’t want people reading this and making assumptions about my beliefs and deciding whether or not I am a worthy person. I care what people think of me. Conflict and being judged makes me uncomfortable. But the unrest in this world right now is drowning in conflict. And so, I guess I must sit in the place of being uncomfortable, even though I shy away from it (conflict) in almost all cases.
I don’t ever want to make a single person feel slighted or offended, ignored or unimportant. I have a tendency to sit back and listen. Hold judgment or decision until I feel educated enough to make my view known. And with that, I often stay quiet anyway. This however, does NOT mean I stay uninvolved or am uncaring to the issues at hand.
For several reasons, conflict for me is just plain hard. In fact, I cringe, I shrink when readers or commenters on my blog disagree with one another. Even if I don’t know them. I worry about each of their feelings and what my responsibility is, if any, in creating that hurt, by simply posting on my blog.
When conflict around me erupts, I become emotionally affected. I am drawn in, because seeing pain on another’s face, hurts my heart. But yelling, and shouting and pointing fingers – it makes me want to shrink into a ball, crouch in a corner and cover my ears. It fills me with anxiety.
It just does. And does so deeply.
Some may call me a coward. Some may call me aloof and indifferent. I can assure you I am none of these. But what I am is careful. I am careful with my words, at least I try to be. I am careful with my actions, at least I try to be. I try. I try to approach conflict with love and listening. And I try to sit in the uncomfortableness of it all, longer than I did last time.
And I try to be that person in the room that doesn’t rush to judgement. Doesn’t point fingers and yell. Because in my experience, that has not worked. But this is only my experience. And I am only speaking from my heart. No one else’s.
Frankly, I’m not sure I’m even making any sense here. I guess in the end, because I have a platform and do have a voice, I want to use it. I want you to know that I care. I want you to know that I hear you. I am listening. I want you to know I care about the injustices that happen in this world, those here and across this wide spans of a world.
I want you to know that I am paying attention. I am reading and watching, following and learning. And that is what I will always do. Even when it is uncomfortable.
And I want you to know that I believe in humanity. I believe that we must try and find our way. Together.
Perhaps that naive of me. Perhaps that’s just positivity talking over reality. Perhaps that is because I’ve not lived in the fear many in this world have.
But, I believe in love, I believe in people.
We must, if we are ever going to change.
“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
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