Claiming My Faith as My Own

For months, I’ve been questioning, thinking, feeling…deeply, frequently, and kindly. I’ve been seeking, asking, clarifying. What is my relationship with God? What has it been, what will it be? What is it now? For most of my life, at least for as long as I can remember, spirituality has alway been part of my life. My relationship with God has always been present, just maybe not always connected. And like eating right and exercising more; it waxed and waned, as much in life does.

Once I chose not to return to a job outside of the home and decided to focus on a writing career, I also made it a point to try and find myself. To ask myself the hard questions, to seek the fleeting truths and to really turn inward. I didn’t plan a schedule of doing so, but rather, I just honored and recognized my need for more. My need to see myself more, to get to know myself more, to really Be More. And to be clear, ‘Be More’ did not mean to have more. It did not mean to acquire more. But rather, it mean to be more of me. To really find out who I am and what I need, and then to honor that. To show up AS IS. To show up AS I WANT TO BE, and to dismiss showing up the way others want me to be.

It became important to learn to recognize the expectations of me, to draw a line between what others expect and what I expect – of myself. Because frankly, that line had totally blurred to a point of there being no line at all. If you ask me what I wanted in life, it would’ve been hard for me to decipher what I wanted and what I thought others wanted of me.

And this included how I practice my spirituality.

The minute someone told me I should go to church more, bring Noah to Sunday School more, pray more, be quiet more, swear less, give up more for lent, etc.’ – well I got quiet. I got resentful. And actually, I got angry.

Because my spiritual journey is just that. It is mine. And others telling me how I should practice it, honor it, live it just doesn’t work for me. I feel like much of my life had been spent doing what others wanted or needed from me, while completely ignoring my own authentic self. Really, isn’t that a battle we all fight in our lives, some longer than others? We struggle owning our true and real selves. We do things that make us feel others may accept us more.

Going to church because someone else thinks it is what’s best for me, isn’t going to church. It’s going to obligation and expectation. You could argue that going to church, even when I don’t want to, is what is best for me. But here is where I disagree. I’ve gone to church much of my life. I know how it can benefit me and my child. But if I’m not ready for it, if I’m not seeking it, if I’m not ready to hear it, well then showing up is nothing more than me dismissing myself and honoring someone else. And that someone else isn’t God. Because I am honoring Him, but in my own ways.

I need to seek God myself. Not because everyone says I should. I need to want to experience church, before it will work for me.

I am a STRONG believer in finding God in so many places other than church. I don’t believe church is the only place I can find God or spirituality. I don’t believe that church and sunday school is the only way my son can practice his spirituality.

Spirituality is very personal. And in my opinion, frankly none of anyone’s business how I choose to honor it, practice it, live in it and with it.

The moment someone told me, “You should…,” I tuned out. Because in most cases, never once did they ask, “What do you need? What do you want? What are you seeking?” Instead, they made assumptions about what I needed, what I wanted and what I should be seeking. And because they didn’t ask, they didn’t know that I do pray. Daily. They didn’t know that I seek God and all that is spiritual on a regular basis. I find God in yoga and running. I find God in quiet moments in the morning, as I sit in my front room, sun filtering in through the blinds on the windows and the rays dancing upon the coffee in my mug. They didn’t know that I talk to God through tears while holding my child and telling him that it’s all going to be okay. They didn’t know that I felt God in the wind, sitting out under a massive tree in the park, listening to the leaves blow gently in His hands.

They didn’t know, because they didn’t ask.

And often the intention of others to bring me closer to God, pushed me further away. Because I didn’t want my relationship with God to be defined by others. Because I didn’t want my spirituality to be held and measured within the four walls of a church.  I do not believe this is the only way to worship, to find mercy and hold grace. Many may disagree with me. And that is okay. Because choosing spirituality is personal. Your Faith is just that, it is YOURS. Who am I to tell you how, when and where you should practice it? Who am I to even tell you that you should practice it at all?

Plus, I’m kind of busy figuring out my own Faith to spend my time worrying about yours. Here’s the thing, I know the last year has led me on kind of a ‘spiritual awakening’, if you will. A mindful practice on exploring all which is bigger than me and my ego. Meditation. Yoga. Spiritual readings. Christian authors. Buddhism. Oh, for crap’s sake, even Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, which is deeper and more magnificent than I imagined it could be (and I highly recommend it). I’m clearly needing to connect with the universe and God, but am interested in finding the best ways to do that in which my heart, mind and soul will be fed in a way most meaningful for me. And one of those ways is church. But it’s just recently church. And it won’t always be church. It won’t be every Sunday ‘church’, because I should. Some Sundays, my soul, my faith, will be fed through that cup of coffee, in my front room I mentioned earlier. Some days it will be fed through a quiet walk through the woods. Some days it will be prayers at the dinner table with my family. And sometimes my soul, my Faith will be fed by reading incredible books such as Found, by Micha Boyett.

I am a Christian. I am a lover of Jesus. But I have questions. I don’t know all the answers. Nor do I pretend to. I am a seeker and the holder of a curious mind. I don’t believe in confining myself to a nice, square, upright box. Once you put me in one, I’ll look to punch holes in it and knock out the walls. I am not a Christian who likes to be confined to the shoulds of others. It’s discomforting and suffocating for me. It limits my possibilities in knowing God and my Faith.

And once I felt willing and courageous enough to set down those expectations others set upon me…I felt free. I felt closer to God and more comfortable in my own spirituality. I am learning. I am not perfect. I still wear the robe of shoulds from time to time. Every once in a while (okay, maybe every day) I see that expectation trying to sneak back inside my life. And when I notice it, I place it on the shelf and ask myself, is it my expectation or someone else’s? Why is it trying to take hold of me and make me feel shame?

I don’t believe shame has a place in my spirituality. And I just have no room for it in my life. It holds no value. In fact, shame is a heavy weight that holds us down, keeps us from being, seeing, feeling who we really are and what our place in this world is. I believe shame disguises itself well at times and has incredible power in trying to keep us from our truest selves.

I believe, in my own tiny, little space in this world, that God wants us to show up. Be vulnerable. As we are. Not who others want us to be. And that includes practicing our Faith in ways that honor and feed our true selves. But then, again, this is my personal journey with Faith. And I’m just on my little corner on this Earth, trying to live a life that matters.

What I’ve come to realize these last few months is how important it was for me to choose Him. Not for others to choose Him for me. There is great importance of living in my Faith, as defined by me and no one else. Otherwise, I’m just going through the motions. Doing what I should, because along the way, someone told me to. And for much of my life, this is exactly what I did. And it wasn’t just limited to my Faith. Everyday, we get so many messages of should. About our work, our clothes, our physical selves, our kids, our cars, our activities. And our Faith.

I had to hit the pause button and reevaluate.

What do I need? What do I want? What am I seeking?

I need to live my life authentically and with love. I want to live it without the shoulds. And I am always seeking ways in which to live a life full of  Faith, Hope and Love.

Claiming my Faith as my own. Just like my life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here. I guess that’s also what I am seeking.

 

Share with me:

What do you need?

What do you want?

What are you seeking?

Have you ever struggled to find your way through Faith?