Letting Go of What Should Be, So We Can Experience What Is

It’s those final few days of summer. We’re wrapping up the late nights, and later mornings. We’re putting away the readily available sunscreen and swimsuits. We’re letting go of the iced tea and embracing the pumpkin spice. And while we’re doing all that, we’re wondering just where did summer go? So fast, in the speed of a cannonball into the deep end, it’s gone.

Next week, we’ll be embroiled in the frantic pace of S-C-H-O-O-L and all that comes with it. Early mornings, frantic searches for the other shoe, breakfast on the go, random papers stuffed into the backpack, rushing out the door, bounding back in the door, arguments about homework and Minecraft and which comes first, swift dinners and rushing to practice. My blood starts flowing a bit faster through my veins just thinking about it. Breathe…in…and out…b r e a t h e.

As this transition happens, between a Carefree Summer and a Scheduled Fall, I begin to think about all of the ‘should’ve dones’ and the ‘never got tos’. And I feel sad, guilty and overwhelmed. We made a whole list of ‘Must Dos’ at the beginning of the summer and guess what? I think we accomplished maybe 1/20 of the list. Our list included things like going to both of the local zoos, the Sculpture Gardens, a Twins game, mini golf, the Science Museum, the beach, spending a day walking the skyways of downtown Minneapolis, etc. As summer drew to a close, I began to feel a bit like a failure. How did we not get to all those places on the list? We had ALL the days of summer to get it done. To cross those items off. And yet…we didn’t.

I’ve spent days feeling bad about this. I mean, I didn’t feel bad ALL day, EVERY day. But I felt bad SOME of the day, MOST days. I even talked about it with my therapist a few weeks ago.

“How can we be at August already and N and I haven’t done hardly anything on our list? What excuse do I have? I’m not even working outside the home! There were so many fun things I had planned, and we didn’t get to hardly any of them!”

Then my therapist, who carries around a great bundle of emotional brilliance, says, “Well, have you ever thought that maybe you and N just needed a really fun summer of rest and relaxation? A summer of unplanned fun and nothingness?”

Like I said, she carries around a great bundle of emotional brilliance.

“Ummm, this here is truth you speak. You are right. But I always feel like there are so many things we should be doing, should be experiencing, fun we should be having.”

Then it is at this point she reminds me of her ban of the ‘shoulds’ in her office. I like this idea. Banning the ‘shoulds’. Don’t you?

Armed with this new lens upon which I look at our summer, I realized something quite profound. I was so busy making a mental list of  summer should do’s that I didn’t fully enjoy the summer ‘as is’. What do I mean by this? Well, unfortunately, it seems I spent more time thinking about all the ways I was failing this motherhood gig. Okay, I know, that’s a little melodramatic, but Moms, you’re with me right? We tend to do that, we tend to take a small thing (like not getting to the zoos and the museums and the mini golfs) and claim it as a total motherhood failure. As if these visits to the zoos, the museums and the mini golfs in one summer will make a childhood, will keep our children from needing therapy because of their childhood. But I digress…back to the profound thought, the ever promising a-ha moment…

What would happen if we changed our ‘Summer Should Do‘ list?

What if my list looked like this instead?

1. Laugh
2. Rest
3. Be

Let that sink in a minute.

Huh. You know what? We accomplished all of those on that list. We laughed. We rested. And every day, I think we spent time just Being. Whether it was us being funny or serious, courageous or fearful, bold or shy, loud or quiet. It didn’t matter. We were ‘being’ in a way that wasn’t contrived or forced. And it was beautiful. Every day may not have been filled with places to go and things to do, but it was filled with love. And isn’t that most important anyway? When I look at that second list, summer doesn’t feel unfinished or a failure.

Summer feels complete, fulfilled, and overflowing with goodness. And I am grateful.

Suddenly, I feel so much better about our summer. I’m working on banning the ‘shoulds’ and embracing the ‘dids’. Even if that means the ‘shoulds’ didn’t get done and the ‘dids’ weren’t even on the list.

Letting go of What Should Be so we can experience What Is. This is my new practice, a new mantra. This is my new lens. I’ll likely need some reminders, but I’m rolling up the sleeves and digging in. Will you join me?