Let Me Just Say To You Mommas of Littles

Let me just say to you mommas of littles that are still…well, they’re still little. Enjoy all the snuggles, hugs, kisses…because damn. When they’re the big 1-2 and in seventh grade, they want nothing to do with you. And it is heartbreaking!

The thing is, you know it’s coming. You know it’s the normal transition. You know middle school is a big change and they’re seeking their independence. They’re looking for their identity and learning how to truly do it ‘all by themselves’. I mean, how many times have we heard that phrase from our little littles. The ones with the chubby hands and poor coordination. The ones still learning how to string words together to form sentences and say things like, “I do it.” Well fast forward several years and they don’t need you anymore. (I mean, of course they do, right? We know this. But they don’t.) Because they know how to wipe their own ass. They can cut their own food (most of the time), they can pour a bowl of cereal and perhaps even make themselves an egg. But don’t you know, the minute they can’t find something…”Moooooom. MOM!”

And remember when the little littles wanted to snuggle right up next to you to watch an episode of Dora or Sesame Street? Remember when you’d bring them to a movie and maybe they’d hold your hand if the movie got too loud or too scary? And remember when dropping them off at daycare, they’d cry and cling and cry some more. You’d try to gently pull them off of you and hand them to the teacher and they’d wrap those spider monkey legs and arms around you and whimper, “No Mommy, no. Don’t go Mommy…” And we’d cry and feel bad, but also feel stressed and frustrated, because we were worried we’d be late to work and we felt guilty for leaving our babies.

And then remember, when we’d walk them into school that first day, hand in hand, with backpacks as big as their bodies. So proud they were to be going to ‘big kid’s school’ – with all the fourth and fifth graders towering over them. Remember that? And remember accompanying them on occasional field trips or school lunches as they’d proudly say to their friends (or the whole bus or lunch room, if they’d listen), “Hey…this is my Mom!”

Remember that? Yeah. I remember that. And I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should’ve.

Sometimes, we just needed space, right? Sometimes, we need to walk without someone dragging behind us, their arms attached to our ankles. I mean, can I wipe my own ass IN PRIVACY please? Mommas can’t even do that alone with the little littles! I’d get frustrated because he’d want to do anything ‘all by himself’ when clearly he couldn’t. But I had to watch him try and bite my tongue and sit on my hands, yet sometimes still, I’d just jump in, “Here, let Mommy do it”. Because I was impatient and ready to move on to the next thing.

Now…well, now it’s just lonely around here. Especially because Noah is my only. There’s no snuggles. No kisses. And hugs? Barely. When he does hug, it’s kind of one of those half hugs where he just puts one arm partially around me. Dropping him off anywhere? Well he practically asks me to slow down just enough for him to roll out of the damn car before anyone notices who’s driving. And movies? Forget that. True story, we went to a movie the last week of summer. Just the two of us. Remember, the theater is dark. Five minutes into the movie, he nudges me and whispers, “Hey, I’m going to go sit over there”. Then he proceeds to grab his water and popcorn, and walk across the aisle. What? Seriously? I already wrote about the first day of school when he wanted me to hide behind a bush, so no one would see me. And the first day of confirmation? Good grief, the conversation went something like this:

“Noah, I’m going to be your confirmation leader.”

Rolling his eyes he says, “Ugh. Well don’t be getting all mushy on me. Kay? And don’t be telling anyone you’re my mom.”

So it’s pretty much clear he wants nothing to do with me. Unless of course he can’t find something. Then I’m good to have around. Oh…and if he misses the bus home from school…well I’m good for that too. But that’s about it.

So today, when he texted me that he missed that bus? Well this is what transpired. I figured I should at least get a hug out of it, no?

Can you believe that shit? He would prefer I left him at school then hug him in front of it.

I know, I know. I get it. Believe it or not, I kind of remember feeling the same way about my parents…but I don’t remember being quite so brash about it! The thing is, I think most of us are busy trying to appreciate and live in the moment with our kids, because we know they are fleeting. But sometimes, there are just too many moments to appreciate. Our kids too clingy and demanding of attention. And then suddenly you get to this point and you realize you should’ve maybe tried a wee bit harder to accept those snuggles.

So now those days everyday when he leaves socks in one room, wrappers in another, used dishes on the counter, I try and remind myself, through clenched teeth, that one day, I will miss those socks, wrappers and dishes, because he won’t be around anymore. He’ll be off at college or living elsewhere. And while I may not miss actually picking up those socks, I’ll miss all it represents. My boy, keeping the house alive with his laughter and bright with his smile.