What Others Think

How often do you let what others think, get in the way of honoring your authentic self?

Last weekend, I spent both days at my son’s swim meet. Donning a t-shirt with his swim club’s name on it and leggings, I was ready to loudly cheer him on. As I got dressed that morning, I thought to myself whether or not I would look frumpy and unstylish in the aforementioned items. I paused and wondered if I should change my outfit, to ensure I would look good (read: fashion conscious) and pulled together. But versus what? Versus looking like a Mom proud to cheer on her only child in the only sport he’s ever really loved? I checked myself. Thank goodness. And then? I put on those leggings, pulled the turquoise t-shirt over my head and threw on my tennis shoes before walking out the door.

Why was I so concerned about what I should wear, to a swim meet of all places? Oh yeah. Other moms. You could argue with me no longer working outside the home, that I don’t get a chance to ‘dress up’ as often. With my day to day attire most often comprised of leggings and flannel shirts, perhaps I was just missing feeling ‘pulled together’. But in truth, I think the more likely story is one of lacking self confidence and acceptance. The more likely story is my perpetual need to measure up, to always worry whether I am enough.

Last Sunday, as I sat in the bleachers, prepared for the meet to start and ready to cheer on my son, a couple of parents came and sat in front of me. Right away, I felt myself shrinking. They were incredibly pulled together, both couples. Designer duds from head to toe. The gentlemen? Groomed, stylish and athletic. The women? Long, luxurious hair. Like the kind models swing from side to side in shampoo commercials. Gorgeous hand bags, fancy jeans, designer puffer vests with matching scarves. As they settled in, I noticed the ladies eating almonds with their long, slender and perfectly manicured fingers, both bearing sparkly, large, diamond rings. I shrunk more. Feeling like a slouchy, lazy mom in her leggings and swim club t-shirt. Broken nail and little make up. I felt small. And insignificant.

About thirty minutes into the meet, it was time for my son’s first event. He climbed the block, at the ready for the starting horn. I yelled out, “Gooooo NOAH!” The horn blew and he dove in, racing to beat his best time. And I cheered along. When he races, I cheer. It’s as simple as that. I know he can’t hear me once he’s in the water, but I cheer anyway. A few seconds into the race, I notice one of the moms give a look to her husband, reach into her designer bag, pull out a pair of ear plugs, and insert them into her ear. Oh yes she did.

In the immediate moments after his swim, I felt embarrassed, judged, even smaller. Surely, if these beautiful people felt I was too loud, then I was, right? Perhaps the next race, I will not cheer.

Yes. I actually contemplated not cheering for my son, based on the actions of others. Yes, I actually considered being quiet for the rest of the meet, based on what others thought, or rather, what I thought, others thought. And then, like an electrical shock to my core, I realized what had been happening all along. It was all about me. It was never about them. Here I was, at my son’s swim meet, preoccupied with others accepting me. So worried about measuring up, being enough, wanting to be liked and accepted. This can be a curse, I tell you. And it can drive you to make decisions you wouldn’t normally make. Like not cheering for your son. For serious? COME ON HEATHER. It was then, I decided to be proud and LOUD of my cheering for my son. He’s all I’ve got. And these people? Why do I care what they think?

Here’s the thing, I love the occasional indulgences in designer clothes myself. There was nothing wrong with those two families showing up, looking dapper in their duds. Absolutely nothing. Yet, we often judge ‘those people’, sometimes silently, sometimes to our closest friends. We whisper about what they’re wearing and why they needed to show up looking so amazing. We place all this emotion and power on them at the cost or ourselves. Our problem isn’t them. Our problem is measuring ourselves against them.

That day, as soon as I figured out what I was doing to myself, I paused. I reflected and honored the fact that right there in the bleachers, in the middle of my son’s swim meet, I was more worried about myself measuring up, than him feeling supported. My immediate reaction was to chastise myself, but then that wouldn’t be practicing self kindness and love. And self kindness and love is what I need more of. So instead, I gave myself permission and I forgave myself for getting lost in all of this for the bit of time I did. But now, it was time for new thoughts. Thoughts instead of owning the proud mom I showed up as that day. One who loves every moment she gets to loudly cheer on her kid, even if that means ear plugs for others. Thoughts of loving myself for wanting to show my dedication to the sport and team my son loves, by wearing their t-shirt. Thoughts of realizing that measuring myself against others will always be a losing battle, because it doesn’t allow one’s self to show up as they are. To be authentic and real. This is what’s most important.

I’m thankful that I’ve reached a point where I can recognize when I’m not centered and practicing the self care I should be. But it does take practice and hard work. It requires intentional thinking and doing, kindness and love. To spend time comparing and trying to be someone you’re not, robs you of the joy and gratitude that abounds when you love yourself for who you are. As another Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Is it ever.

Do you practice self love and care? Are you aware when you are being too hard on yourself or using others as a comparison chart?  What do you do to pull yourself out of the comparison trap? How do yo practice self love and care?