Today is Wednesday. Yes it is. Some know it as Hump Day. I know it as Confirmation Day. And I also like to think of it as the day otherwise known as ‘Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, bring me your wisdom and grant me some patience, so these eight boys of the seventh grade will not cause me to lose my sh*t’.
Okay, please forgive my crassness. Please. But I’m being honest here…as this is one of my main goals on this blog. To be real, and honest and open and the mess that is me. And you know what? The mess that is me sometimes says inappropriate things, like combining Jesus and a swear word in one single sentence.
NEWS FLASH: I am not perfect, but I am loved by Jesus. Therefore, all is well.
Okay…carrying on. If you’re new here, you may want to catch up on this history of church, confirmation and me right here. But if you’re in the middle of Happy Hour or napping or something else, the short story of it is this. I volunteered to lead my son’s confirmation small group. If I didn’t, they would’ve had to move him to another date/time that wouldn’t work as well with our schedule. Yes, I know. We should always make room for God. But, I also know when the best time might be to turn my son over to Him for enlightenment, and specifically, it’s Wednesdays at 4:30. So anyhoo, I volunteered to lead his small group.
There are several things ‘wrong’ with doing so. For example, I’m not exactly the most ‘churchy’ person around. I’m very spiritual. But churchy? Not so much. Also, my son was very clear he didn’t want me leading his group and when I told him I was doing it anyway, he asked me not to tell anyone I was his mom. Lastly, I grew up as a single child and am raising a single child. I am not prepared or well equipped for the chaos and noise that ensues when a group of eight high energy, chatty and rambunctious seventh grade boys gather together.
So it’s about this time every Wednesday in which the panic starts to seep in a bit. I begin to wonder how I’ll hold it together for this single hour while the boys are loud and throwing mechanical pencil lead at the pulpit (yes that happened). I begin to wonder how many times I’ll say the words, “Boys. Come on,” or “Please, be quiet and respectful,” or “One conversation, one person talking, please,” during that hour. I wonder how many kids will outright talk over me, in the middle of me sharing the lesson, to ask his friend across the table if he knew that Connor had a girlfriend (yes, this also happened). I wonder if a racist joke will come up again (also happened – more on that in another post at another time). I wonder if Noah will feel it necessary to apologize to me for the other boys’ behavior.
I wonder why I walk into that church feeling so defeated. Every. Single. Wednesday.
I wonder why this is so, so hard for me. Every week I struggle. Every week, I feel weak. But I show up anyway.
What IS the lesson in all of this, do you think? I jokingly have said God is working on my patience. That this is why I am leading this group. To work on my patience. And communication tactics with middle school boys. And composure, He’s helping me work on my composure when kids say disrespectful or unkind things.
Who knows really. There are many things I’m probably being taught through this process. The only thing I know? It is SO DARN HARD for me to show up every week, when I feel so lost, so defeated, sooo…NOT QUALIFIED…to do the job.
Today, I woke up and when remembering what day it was, my mind filled with a little fear and self doubt, dread and concern, for what tonight would bring. Confirmation. But then, a little pocket of my mind opened up and asked, ‘What if?’
What if, I make a conscious choice to fill that dread and fear with Hope and Self Love instead? What if I choose to fill that defeat and struggle with Grace and Faith? What if I walk in, expecting the best, instead of the worst? What if, I walk in assuming good intent and kindness? What if I walked into that church remembering GOD CHOSE ME TO BE THERE. I feel like this may be the secret to more successful Wednesdays, no?
It’s not easy to do this, I know. I was filled with all kids of hope and optimism – along with the fear and self doubt – when I signed up for this in September. But then, every week felt worse than the last. Every week got louder and more restless, disjointed and chaotic. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say, “I’m done!” And I came pretty close. At the last session, when the boys were out of control. I literally laid my head down, setting my forehead on the open pages of my Bible. And I just sat there, very still. Because it was this, or walk out. And I couldn’t walk out. That would be failing them, failing myself. So instead, I laid my head down. And got silent. They kept on chatting amongst one another for a bit, until on of them finally noticed me.
“You guys, shhhhhh. Heather, what are you doing,” one of the boys asked.
“Perhaps we should ask one of your parents to come lead this group sometimes, instead of me.”
“What? No! Why would you say that?”
“Because perhaps you’d be more respectful of that parent, than you’ve all been with me?”
“Okay, no. No,” said this boy, “You guys..shhhhh. Let’s listen to her.”
It worked…for about three minutes. But I hoped that my being that honest with them would perhaps at least cause them to pause for a moment and rethink their behavior. Here’s the thing. They’re 12. I know they’re not going to sit still, be quiet and not move at all times. I don’t expect them to. However, I do expect them to respect the sanctuary we meet in and the leader that volunteers her time every week. Ahem.
My approach the past weeks, full of self doubt and fear, clearly has not worked. So this afternoon, I’ll be walking in – head held higher. Heart full of Faith, Hope and Love. And I will expect the best of them that is possible in that moment. And the result I hope to get? Of course, I hope they will reign it in a bit and be a little better behaved. But I can’t control that. So, my hope is that by filling my heart, mind and soul with positive thoughts and expectations that I WILL FEEL BETTER. That I will walk out after, still holding my head high, instead of barely holding it up at all. That I will be wearing a smile on my face, instead of tears of discouragement.
And so it is Wednesday. The day formerly known as ‘Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, bring me your wisdom and grant me some patience, so these eight boys of the seventh grade will not cause me to lose my sh*t’. It is Wednesday, the day NOW KNOWN as, “Sweet Baby Jesus. Thank you for granting me Faith, Hope, Love and Patience so that I may hold it together and teach these boys the beauty and miracle of your Faith and Grace. Amen”.
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