Five Ways Motherhood Taught Me Kindness

“Kindness. Sprinkle that shit everywhere.”

You’ve seen the quote in your social media streams, right? And really…it’s all truth. Yet, we often find it hard to do. Real. Life. People, it happens. And we’re all normal, erring humans. Which means, some days…we’ve just got nothing left to sprinkle. Well, not kindness anyway. Sure, when the sun in shining, the kids didn’t have any tantrums and everyone got out the door on time – kindness feels easier to bestow. But on the hard, rainy, late, ugly cry days…are we able to find it and dole it out? On the days when someone cuts you off in traffic, the local barista gets your order wrong and your kid trudges muddy shoes through the house…can you find it then? The kindness?

I’d like to think I’ve always been a kind person. But in reality…I probably haven’t been. Once I had my son, my kindness lens seemed to become more focused. Motherhood – it’s an interesting teacher of all things, isn’t it, but especially of kindness.

1. Behind Every Face is a Story Waiting to be Heard.

More importantly, we likely do not know their story, nor should we ever assume we do. We judge. Whether we judge the kid who seems like the bully on the playground or the relaxed mom at the mall with the pulled together look (make up, hair and real, actual pants – not yoga pants). We make rash decisions about a person, their worth and ability based on brief moments in time. And we should stop. We can never assume we know someone, without knowing their story. And when we assume we do, it can be hurtful. What I learned? When you find yourself judging or assuming, call yourself on it. Pause. Wonder. Ask. Remind yourself you don’t know their whole story, just as they don’t know yours. What might others assume about you? How would it make you feel?

2. His Pain is My Pain. Your Pain is Their Pain.

The first time your child comes running to you crying – whether they fell down and skinned their knee or someone teased them at school, the feeling is clear. Their pain is your pain. There is no separating the two. Their tears become your tears. You are two halves of the same heart. Can you imagine if we approached all of our interactions in this world with this thought? Your pain is my pain. Waves of compassion would roll over our planet and leave us all feeling less alone in the process. We’d feel we were in it together. And guess what, we actually would be.

3. Words Have Power. Use them Wisely.

I remember. And it hurts. The first time I ever uttered words sharply and without regard, in a moment of haste and frustration, to my son. His eyes filled with pain. Tears dropped from the corners of them. I hurt him. My words and tone, a sharp force piercing his gentle heart. How could I do this? To my own child? This perhaps has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. Not because I didn’t want to learn, but because we’re all guilty of saying things in heated moments, that we later regret. And most often, we say these hurtful things to those we love most. Or…to those on the other side of the internet, those who cannot see our faces. The point is, we must…MUST understand that our words have power. Impact. Relevance. And just when we think someone isn’t listening…they are. And we are hurting them. Whether they are standing in front of us, or behind a screen. It is important to choose our words wisely. It is important to pause and breathe before uttering something that can harm. And it is necessary to apologize for those times when our filter doesn’t work and the negative sentences leave our lips. Especially to our children. As parents, we are not immune to mistakes. And therefore, we are not immune to apologizing. The next time you snap at your child in an unkind way, apologize. Whether it’s in the moment or you realize it the next day. Apologize. Your child will appreciate it. And…they will learn kindness and grace from you in the process.

4. Listen. Ask. Listen Louder. 

Here’s an interesting concept – this universe contains a lot of amazing people, and I’m not at the center of it all. Crazy, right? Are you a good listener? Not sure? Or even if you are…ask your kids their opinion. I bet we’ll learn we’re not as good as we think we are at listening. It’s not just the devices that get in our way of being good, intent listeners. It’s our busy ways and the many minutes of multitasking. Driving, while on the phone, while shushing the kids in the backseat, while crossing off the to do list in our heads. When is the last time you asked a question and had to ask it again, because you didn’t even listen to the answer? Our world is moving faster than we can manage and what’s the first thing to go? Our attention and intention. It’s amazing what we can glean from our kids when we really, truly listen to them. Try it. It’s hard, I don’t have it down to perfection yet. And likely I never will. But I’m still practicing the intention and making progress of listening harder, longer, and louder.

5. Lead with Love. Always.

When in doubt, lead with love. Always. What does this mean? When you’re in doubt, angry, frustrated, sad, unsure…start in a place of love. Realize you don’t know their story. You don’t know what kind of day they’re having or what they’ve been through. When you get angry at how another child has treated yours, lead with love. When you can’t believe the person just cut in front of you at the grocery store check out, lead with love. When a family member does something that hurts your feelings, lead with love. And when you let yourself down, lead with love. This isn’t just how we should treat others, but it’s also about how we treat ourselves. Lead with love, and your perspective will change. Lead with love, and we can change this world…one person, one moment, at a time.

Lead with love and the kindness that blooms from it will light up every dark corner of this world.

 

I’d like to give a special thanks to my friend and author of the book, Kindness Wins, Galit Breen, for inspiring this post. She asked me to contribute to an article (which you can read here) about how motherhood taught me kindness…and well, there were so many ways it’s done so, I had to write a complete post about it!

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