On the Comparison of Pain

Earlier this week, in the midst of the media surrounding Caitlyn Jenner, a Facebook post with a black and white picture of what appeared to be two soldiers in war, one being carried by another went viral. The picture was accompanied by the following caption, “As I see post after post about Bruce Jenner’s transition to a woman, and I hear words like, bravery, heroism, and courage, just thought I’d remind all of us what real American courage, heroism, and bravery looks like!”

When I read the caption, it made me pause.

This viral post was yet another example of how often we compare in society. We even compare grief, hardship, tragedy, and pain. While it is important to be mindful of perspective and recognize that others may have paths more difficult than our own, it doesn’t lessen our own pain and hardship. And so when I saw this post earlier this week, I felt sad there was a need by many to compare pain and courage. To levy one against another, to the point of negating the pain we feel is ‘lesser’ or less deserving. What if we instead recognized that each person’s pain, hardship and journey is quite personal and relative to their own life? One does not need to be raised higher than another. Pain is pain. Hardship is hardship. It’s okay for us to feel our pain while recognizing the hardships and pain of others. Even if we don’t understand it. 

In an interesting twist, the man who originally posted the viral photo tasted a bit of irony himself in regards to his own post. I think he learned a lesson about judging and the comparison of pain. In a recent follow up, he said, “Hate helps nothing. Love wounds no one. And God heals all (and irony makes us think).” You can read more about it here.

The road I’ve traveled with my son has had much pain. We’ve been through some trying, not sure if we’re going to make it, kind of times. And sometimes in conversations with friends about that pain, they’d share pain or hardship they were going through, but they’d follow it up with, ‘…But that’s nothing compared to what you’re going through…’.

I appreciated their sentiments and awareness that my immediate situation was hard and they weren’t trying to take away from that, by sharing their own. But I also felt concerned that they weren’t allowing themselves to fully acknowledge their own pain. Listen, life is hard. For all of us. We all travel roads that seem to have many obstacles and we sometimes wonder how we’re going to make it through the journey. The most effective way to make it through is if we know we have someone to lean on, someone who won’t judge the level of our pain. Someone who will look us in the eye and say, “I am here for you”. Regardless of whether they think our pain is ‘justified’ or not.

I guess what I am asking is for all of us is to stop comparing. Stop measuring pain and tragedy and hardship. Instead, have compassion. None of us have a way to measure another’s pain. Nor should we. Instead, we should ask, listen, seek to understand and lead with love.

I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again.

Less Judging. More Loving.

Can you imagine our world if we did that? Can you imagine the places we’d go if we all felt heard, knew we were enough and that we matter? Our hardships should not divide us. Rather, they should bring us together. Don’t you think?