Monday Funnies – The Top 11 Things I Hate About the Gym

Monday Funnies – Because it’s Monday. And we all want our weekend back. But we can’t have it for another four days. So, yeah…MONDAY FUNNIES are what we need.

In this week’s Monday Funnies, we are exploring the Gym. I think many of us have a love/hate relationship with the Gym. Perhaps even more of us have a hate/hate relationship. And then, there’s this infinitesimal number of you who have a love/love relationship with the gym. I hate you.

Now, carrying on…in no particular order…

The Top 11 Things I Hate About the Gym

1. Burpees. Enough said.
2. The Popover Top (fyi – that’s the next size up over the muffin) that develops when you wear an ill-fitting pair of leggings, yoga pants, or hot pants (wait, who wears those? Oh yeah, the love/love people) that squeeze your mid section so tightly, you feel like a sausage bursting out of its casing.
3. Each nipple pointing a different direction as they’re strapped into a boobie corset otherwise knows as a ‘sports bra’. The fix? Bend over forward at the waist, grab the front of your boobie corset and pull outward to let the ladies swing a bit more straight, look to see if your nipples are properly aligned, if so, let the front of your boobie corset fall back in place and stand up. If this doesn’t work, then you’ll just have to rely not the old fashioned, ‘reach and grab’ to align them correctly. You’re welcome.
4. Dudes flexing in the mirror, looking at themselves so intensely, you’d think they were actually looking at someone else they found attractive. In my humble opinion, confident guys are attractive, but obsessive, narcissistic guys are not.
5. The fear of throwing up from hardass workouts.
6. The inability to eat much, if anything, prior to visiting the gym, because of previous said fear.
7. When you do eat a little something prior to the gym and feel a burp rising, while doing burpees, but you try to suppress it for fear it will turn into the dreaded throwing up. Not that this has happened to me ever (or almost every time).
8. That stupid voice of doubt that sneaks up as a whisper, and sometimes turns into a shout, that pops up while you’re in the middle of previously said burpee or wall sit, or plank or fill in the ______. I hate that bitch. Next time, I’m telling her to go away, because I will kick her ASS! She’s not welcome here!
9. When you work so hard that sweat drops down your back, following the trail of your spine, right. into. your. butt. crack. Yes I said it. Out loud. I even bolded it. You know it’s true.
10. Super attractive, pulled together, hair neatly in place, still smelling good, refreshed looking people walking into the gym, as my ass (the one with the sweaty crack) attempts to drag the rest of my demolished body out the damn door.
11. People that don’t sweat while working out. WTF?!

Despite this list, there are many things I LOVE about going to the gym. Burpees still aren’t a part of the love category. But finishing them is! I do love it when they’re over! Finding the right pair of yoga pants to fit your body is key. And let’s face it, some days, we’re just still going to feel fat in our stretch pants. It’s true. But once you find the magic pair of pants that don’t turn you into a sausage, YOUR LIFE IS GOLDEN. For me, that brand is Athleta, but each body is different. So ladies, don’t give up! You’ll find that pair.

The nipple situation, well, it is what it is. I don’t really have much hope here. The one thing that can help combat this is the padded sports bra, but then those stupid removable pads can be a real pain also. They fold in half or move around in the little pocket they go in, leaving you without the nipple issue, but instead with a lumpy, funky looking boob issue. Oh well.

My favorite gym doesn’t have mirrors. And it is AWESOME. You know why? Aside from not having to watch dudes, watch themselves flex. We don’t watch ourselves either. And for me, that is a good thing. The last thing I need in the middle of my session is to look at myself in the mirror, with a splotchy, cherry tomato red face, wet strands of hair hanging in my eyes, and sweat stains under my boobs and around my crotch. Seriously! That would NOT inspire me, but would make me feel even more self conscious. In lieu of obsessing on what I look like while I work out, I can kick that bitchy voice of doubt to the curb and feel the strength building in my mind and body. This is what I came here for. Not to look good, but to feel good. TO FEEL STRONG.

The whole eating before the gym, worried I might throw up issue…well it’s still an issue. I fear it less though. So that’s something I guess. Who wants to spend time worrying about throwing up? What a waste!

I’ll never understand the people who don’t sweat while they’re working out. Maybe they’re just blessed with crazy genes that cause them to lightly glisten instead. But this brings me back to not worrying about what I look like while I’m working out. That is NOT why I am at the gym. Instead of getting irritated with the fresh faces walking in the gym, while my decimated but exhilarated body walks out, I will embrace the fact that I did it. Instead of focusing on others, I will focus on me. I will remind myself that walking out completely shredded and my body feeling wrecked means the exact opposite, that I am strong and capable. I am fierce and fearless. And it simply means that I AM.

I am strong. I am able. I am good enough. I am here. And I am me.

Sweaty crack, crooked nipples and all.