C is for Courage

Back at the end of June, my little man Noah had a swim meet. If you follow Lifes a Disco Ball on Facebook, you saw the post below on the very early morning of June 28th. If you’re a friend of this page, you  know that little man lives with a lot of anxiety, among other things. His anxiety tends to build and creep into every aspect of his being on swim meet days.

Swim meets start very early, and Saturday, June 28th, 2014, was no exception – we needed to be at the pool, ready for warm ups by 6:30am. The morning was tough. Really tough. I could sense the anxiety building in Noah, from the moment I woke him up. Yet, we moved forward, preparing for the day.  It was wrought with emotion and below is an account I wrote and shared on Facebook, while at the pool waiting for the meet to start.

Oh you guys… It’s swim meet weekend for my little guy. These are hard, hard weekends.

If you don’t believe anxiety is real, one look in his tear filled eyes right now will change your mind.

He is beside himself right now with fear, doubt, disbelief. He is sobbing, asking me to take him home right now. He ‘can’t handle it’ he says. He can’t do it.

“Noah,” I say, “You CAN do it. You’ve done it before. I believe in you.”

“STOP IT,” he screams, “Just stop it. You don’t understand!”

Coach comes over, she sees his head resting against my chest and his shoulders shaking from the sobs.

“Noah, can I show you something? Look Buddy, you’re one of our best swimmers,” pointing at the time sheets.

“I don’t care,” he sobs.

After 15 minutes of holding and hugging him and wiping his tears, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I had to go back to my seat to check on my things. He nodded, his cheeks stained with rivers of tears. One of the hardest things I had to do, was walk away. Trusting this is what he needs, to see this through, to prove his anxiety is paralyzing. Yet I feel like I am torturing him. Because really it is. The hard truth is that anxiety can be paralyzing.

And so I sit here. Back at my chair. Praying he’ll feel capable and courageous. Hoping for peace and hoping his mind will settle. And feeling just awful that he feels such immense pain and such little confidence…and I can’t change it or make it better.

We could use EVERY SINGLE prayer, wish and good vibe you’re willing
to send today. And again tomorrow. Because tomorrow, we have to do this all over again.

After the meet started, Noah seemed to feel a calm wash over him. After he swam his first race, you could see his anxiety had lifted. He felt more confident and able. This was my Facebook update after the meet on Saturday:

 UPDATE:

You guys are freaking AWESOME. The prayers and vibes worked. Thank you.

This kid, he’s the face of COURAGE.

Not only did he get in the pool, but he killed two of his three events and beat his best times by three seconds.

What a tough morning it was. His pain – it’s real. His fear – it’s real. But he stayed with it. He raced, even when he didn’t want to, and he CONQUERED.

After his events, Coach asked him what was going on earlier when he was crying.

“I just kept thinking I didn’t want to look bad. I didn’t want to fail in front of all these people. I just couldn’t do it. But then I realized why do I care what these people think?”

Amen, kid. Amen.

He did it. And later, he informed me when he was struggling, he grabbed his phone and listened to Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’.

Seriously? Couldn’t be prouder. He got in the water AND listened to Queen.

#GoNoahGo #JustKeepSwimming

Sunday morning, we woke up before dawn, ready to do it all over again. To be honest, I guess neither of us really felt ready. But I think we both made a decision somewhere along the way to dig deep, if not for ourselves, then for each other. It was another tough morning. A fraction better than the day before. But he was struggling still. Fighting the battle of anxiety and all the weapons it brings to battle. On Sunday morning, I took to Facebook again, asking for more prayers, looking for more strength…not only for Noah, but for myself too.

Day 2. Another tough morning full of many “I Can’t” statements. But we are working on staying focused and we will keep aiming, readying ourselves to be launched into GREATNESS.

We are not shy in asking for more prayers and well wishes.

Thank you all for filling our virtual cheering section! YOU ROCK!!!

#gonoahgo #courage #justkeepswimming

And then he did it again. He got in the water. He competed in his events. And he kicked ass. I was so proud, so happy, so overwhelmed with emotion, I thought I might cry. Right there in my camp chair, at the end of this outdoor pool. And I didn’t care. All this kid does is face adversity, face the demons of ‘can’t’ – and pull through anyway. He battles. He fights. He faces. He conquers. He. Doesn’t. Quit.

He never quits.

Sunday, after the meet, I posted this on Facebook:

C is for #COURAGE.

And if anyone exemplifies the definition of Courage, IT’S THIS KID.

Fighting his fear, his anxiety and pushing through anyway, even when he didn’t want to. Even he was worried he’d fail. Even when he was sure he wasn’t good enough.

HE PUSHED THROUGH ANYWAY.

C is also for new C times he accomplished this weekend.

And C is for Champion, because THIS KID QUALIFIED FOR C FINALS in two weeks in THREE EVENTS.

Lastly, C is for all CAPS, because I’m so FREAKING proud of this kid and his ability to keep on keepin’ on, EVEN WHEN IT’S HARDEST.

#gonoahgo #justkeepswimming

This past weekend, Noah had his last swim meet of the season, his C Finals. The irony, right? C is for Courage, but C also ended up being for C Finals, because this kid focused and pushed himself to achieve best times, qualifying him for these finals. I never lost hope that this meet may be less angst ridden than the last. I wasn’t willing to minimize his very real feelings of anxiety, but I hoped that his confidence was building and hoped that his success at the last meet would carry him through. And when I mention success, I mean the success of not giving up. The success of getting in the pool, even though that was THE VERY LAST THING he wanted to do that day.

But he did it anyway. He got in the pool. He swam his meets. And he kept swimming.

This past weekend, he worried and fretted again about the C Finals meet. On Saturday morning, he dressed and came into my room, collapsing in my arms and crying. No words were really needed from him. I understood his mind and body felt frayed at every edge. But I felt better prepared to help him through it this time. I hugged him back. Kissed the top of his head. And we stood there for a moment. Both quiet, both leaning on one another.

A moment or so later, I quietly said to him, “I know how hard this is for you Buddy. I know it. But I also know, that every single time it is this hard, you still do it. You still go through with it. And you do it extremely well. Every. Single. Time. All we ask is that you try. And you always do. You can do it. I believe in you.”

I felt his head nodding yes, his damp cheeks against my shoulder, when he pulled away and looked at me, “Okay. Okay,” he said.

He was quiet on the drive. But something was different this time. He seemed to be carrying less doubt. Or he masked it well. But in any case, he never said, “I can’t,” that day. Not once.

And he swam, and swam well. Beating all his best times that weekend.

And you know what, I think he just might be starting to believe in himself, believe that he CAN do it. And it’s a beautiful thing.

Thank you to all of you for continuing to follow our journey, cheer us on, send us love and bring us hope. There are many days, when we realize we just can’t do it alone. And thanks to you all, we never have to do it alone.

C is for Courage y’all. And if you need a reminder in those fearful, scary times, just think of Mr. N and that bright shiny face, hold up your hand, make a C, and dive right in.

Just like Noah does.

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