The Life of an Anxious Writer on a Deadline

Let me tell you all about the glamorous life of an anxious writer. On a deadline. Are you sure you’re ready for it? I don’t want you to have a serious case of “envy”. So prepare yourself.

If you missed out on yesterday’s post, let me fill you in. I signed up for not one, but two writing challenges. Both require daily writing for the entire month of November and one requires you post your daily writing on your blog. You know what that means, right? It can’t be unfinished, unedited crap. And why not sign up for two challenges when I’m traveling at least twice this month, not including the holiday weekend of Thanksgiving, right? And then there’s that thing that still happens every. single. day. called Parenting. Pfffft. I got this in the bag people.

NO. FREAKING. PROBLEM.

I lie. It is day two. DAY TWO!!!! And I’ve already lost my calm and excitement for this challenge. I’m stressed out and overwhelmed, wondering how I’m going to accomplish all this, because perfectionism. I keep trying to tame that bitch, but it just isn’t working. She’s still got a mighty hold on me. And YOU GUYS, I’m nearly hyperventilating.

The key is to write a few blog posts before November starts, so you have some back up options in the event of writer’s block. Except I didn’t do that. Because I wasn’t going to do NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) this year. I was only going to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). But then FOMO (fear of missing out, for you newbies) happened, and I was screwed.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF???????Since I finished yesterday’s post, I’ve been brainstorming on topics to write about. My brain is in overdrive. As I was driving to a concert last night, I was thinking of topics. Driving home, thinking of topics. Trying to fall asleep, thinking of topics. Waking up, thinking of topics. Getting ready this morning, thinking of topics. Driving my son to school, thinking of topics. Driving to the gym, thinking of topics. AND SO ON AND SO ON.

Knowing my writing time is precious and limited, I couldn’t handle the thought of actually preparing a lunch for myself. That would take ALL THE time that I don’t have. So hey – Jimmy John’s to the rescue. I sat eating my #4, thinking of topics.  Finally at 12:30pm, I sat down to write.

Since then, I’ve started exactly four posts. And I’ve finished exactly ZERO. This is a problem I’m not sure I have the energy to solve. But I am hopeful this post will reach a conclusion. And that conclusion may be me with my face in a wine glass, soaking in the tub, THINKING OF TOPICS.

Help me.

Usually, when I write, I sit down to do so when I’m filled with a particular emotion or story I feel compelled to share. One that is begging get out of my head and heart. It usually jumps out of me and onto the page with a bit more ease than what is happening today. Being forced to write on a deadline is NOT MY THING. Which unfortunately is how getting paid for writing works. Deadlines. But, I digress, as I have all fucking day.

The first three posts I started today were apparently not meant to be written yet, which has thus caused ANXIETY, which is now fueling this post. Bless all the feels, they fill me up, and they’re not always good.

Me and my head are all over the darn place.

Does reading this post feel like a super ball randomly bouncing off the walls of a small room, over and over again?

WELCOME TO MY BRAIN.

So here we are, at 6pm…I’ve just had tortilla chips and diet coke for dinner, and I need to leave in fifteen minutes to bring my son to TaeKwonDo…and I still haven’t finished a post. One that isn’t crap.

Here’s the thing I guess, just like anything you do in life, it isn’t always done well 100% of the time. But if you are trying 100% of the time, that counts for something, right? And my goal as a writer is to always share my authentic self, share what others may not, in the hopes that someone reading it might feel less alone and able to say, “Hey…that’s what I’m feeling too”.

Is this my best work? Hell no. Did you get to know me and the inside of my wild brain a bit better? Yes.

Are you sorry you did? Perhaps.

But the good news is, I just finished this damn post.

Only 28 days to go…where’s the wine?