Tonight I was going to write about the fun. The fun that we’ve had while on vacation. The bend over sideways laugh attacks and silly things we did while here. But then something happened tonight, after the fun was over and the evening winding down, that shook me to the core.
I was flitting about the hotel room, packing up our gear, readying for our departure tomorrow, when Noah opened the sliding glass door to our 9th floor balcony. As he stepped out the door, he turned back at me and asked if I wanted to sit out there with him and ‘do our iPads’.
“I will in a few minutes honey…I’m just going to pack up a few more things in our suitcases and then I’ll come and sit out there with you.”
Out the door he went as I continued to fold up the remnants of our beachwear.
I’m not sure how much time had passed before I heard a tepid and frightened, ‘Mommy?’ behind me. I turned around and saw sadness and fear in Noah’s eyes.
“Noah, what’s wrong?” I made my way toward the door to the balcony where he was standing.
“Mommy, I don’t like this. I’ve been having more impulsive thoughts lately”.
His voice breaks as he says eight words that I will never forget.
“I was thinking about jumping off the balcony.”
Somehow, completely calm, I walked over, as if I was in control and could hug away his sadness and I tried to do just that. I held on to him firmly. Not ever wanting to let go. Somehow, in my arms, I might just be able to protect him from all things evil.
“Why do you think you thought that Noah?” I’m not really purposefully thinking at this point, rather I’m just feigning some semblance of togetherness, hoping it will stop the madness in his mind and make him feel that we can conquer any of this together. No matter how dark the days get.
“I don’t know. I don’t like thinking that! Why do I think like that? I’ve been thinking a lot of these thoughts lately. Like hurting myself. Like drowning myself.”
Pause.
Three more words I will not forget. ‘Like drowning myself’.
He’s ten. Why. Why does he feel so sad? Simply and only with God’s grace did I maintain this perception of control for Noah in which I said the following, “Noah, you have done good. You have done good by coming in from that balcony when you were thinking that. You did good for coming in here and telling me right away that you are feeling like this. I can help you when I know these things. These thoughts must scare you. Do they?”
“Yes. I don’t like feeling this way! Why am I so sad? I just want to be happy. Why can’t I live a life full of happiness?!”
“Noah, life will never be entirely happy. There will always be moments of sadness and anger. Moments of happiness and joy…”
“I know there will be moments Mommy…but I just want a lot more moments of happy.”
All I could say was, “I know Noah. I know…”
“I’m not going back out there on the balcony, Mommy.”
“Noah, that’s the right choice. Anytime you start to have these thoughts and feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself. You need to make the same type of choice. You need to remove yourself from the situation in which you could get hurt and come find me. Immediately. Just like you did a few minutes ago, okay?”
As he climbs into his bed and pulls up the covers, he says, “Okay, Mommy. Can you call my doctor and tell them I am thinking these things? I think I need to go to bed.” He snuggled himself in his bed and started playing on the iPad. Just like that. Like nothing ever happened.
This is our life. This is our normal. This. Is. Hard.
Tomorrow, I will call and talk to his doctor. Tonight, I will email his therapist. And together we will explore yet another path to try and support this boy into more moments of happiness than sadness. This will likely be a lifelong journey for Noah. And as a result, for me as well.
Now, as I write this, I sit on our 9th floor balcony. Listening to the soothing sounds of the waves hitting the shore and watching the violent lightning in the clouds above. What a metaphor for what I’ve felt tonight. I’d like to think I was the soothing sounds of waves for Noah tonight. But now, right now…I feel the torment of what I’m witnessing in the lighting high in the sky. The rain hasn’t begun to fall yet. And either have my tears. They will come. In a way, I am numb right now. I am not devoid of feeling, yet it kind of seems like what happened tonight was something I saw on a TV show. Like it wasn’t really my life.
Writing helps. It’s therapeutic. Usually, this is when I cry. I don’t cry during the actual crisis. But the waterfall of tears usually floods my face while I write about our experiences after they happen. Not tonight.
Once the numbness wears off, I’ll be raw with emotion. And it is then, that I will need you all the most.
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You are an incredible mom and you have learned great skills. We will pray for a joyful heart for Noah and send many hugs to you!
Heather,
Know that you are doing all the right things in a wrong situation!
I can’t even imagine the devastation that you feel in times like this. The message that I hope Noah took in was that it’s all about choice, because it will be Noah who is making the choices. I’m very sorry that you have to deal with this, Heather.
You’re an amazing women and you are doing all the right things in a wrong situation.
Oh, Heather! I am saying prayers for both of you right now. You are so strong and absolutely amazing in the situation. But I know you won’t always FEEL strong and in those moments (and others) your family and friends are here for you. Let me know what I can do to help…in the meantime I will pray!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Heather and Noah, I wish I could give you both a giant hug right now.
Noah, I know I’ve never met you but I know you. I know your heart cuz your momma shares it all the time because of how proud she is of you, and she should be. You are an amazing young man with way more compassion and love than most your age. You need to know that those thoughts, they come from a place you can’t control. They don’t make you bad or wrong or any less amazing that you are. But you can control how you handle them. And I am so unbelievably impressed with how you handle them. Because, the other reason I KNOW you. Is because I’ve been there. I’ve heard those same thoughts. I know hard it is to live with them. But YOU, you did what sooooo many can’t do and you told someone about them. You shared what you are going through with someone who loves you more than anything in the world. Because you weren’t afraid to be honest, you can take control over those thoughts. I’m so very very sorry that you have to deal with something like this at such a young age. But I believe that because of how amazing you (and your mom) are, that you will take these trails and add in your great love and compassion and after you win your own battle, you will somehow find a way to help even more amazing young people win the battle too!!!! Love, hugs, and prayers!!
Heather, please know that I am always here to talk. I was right around Noah’s age when I first had thoughts of wanting to disappear but it wasn’t until a few years later that it changed to more concrete thoughts of action. But I’ve been there. I still battle sometimes. Please, please know that this isn’t because of what anyone has done, or anything he’s gone through. Nothing ’caused’ this or could have prevented it. But your amazing love and support can and will get him through it. The incredible job you’ve done raising him is constantly evident in his kindness you share on Facebook. He is a terrific kid. I can’t say that I fully understand the fear and heartache his expressing these thoughts must bring. (Though I see the early signs in my boys too.) But know, truly know, that for him to express them to you…it means so much that most people can begin to understand. Even as adult, I am never able to to express those moments until I feel far removed from them. The shame and isolation the thoughts can bring are the most dangerous things and knowing he knows he can go to you is so huge. Keep loving him just like you are!! You’re doing so much right, mama!!!!
(ps I wrote the part to Noah, a little for me, and a little for you, please don’t feel like you have to share it with him)