Sabotaging Self Reflection

So here’s the thing, I love getting into my head and heart to evaluate things.  To examine how I operate and how I can improve.  I like taking occasional ‘gut checks’ to see if I’m living my life with intent…or just running the inevitable hamster wheel, over and over again.  I just dig this self reflection stuff.  I do.  But sometimes, without realizing it, I sabotage it.

Typically, I pause for reflection because the seasons are changing or there’s been a major upheaval in my life.  And other times I do this when my life feels like it’s gotten out of control, when it appears there’s no one at the wheel.  Some could argue that Jesus takes the wheel (queue Carrie Underwood), and I’m sure He does.  But I have responsibility in this whole beautiful mess too.

Right now is one of those times for self reflection.  I could argue it is because it’s Fall, a season of change. Or because I’m not working for the first time in 24 years.  Regardless of the reason, I’m in the midst of one of those self reflection sessions.  To help me through the process, I signed up for an e-course with Brené Brown.  The class is called the Gifts of Imperfection, named after one of the books she has written.  The course is focused on Wholehearted Living by embracing vulnerability and accepting our own imperfections.

This is week one of the class and it kicked off with a few assignments, some of which included art (water colors, drawing, creating).  The first thing I had to do was create ‘permission slips’ in my journal.  The intention was to think about what you give yourself permission to do or feel, when doing something is scary…and then put them down in your journal.

I got out my art supplies and used waterproof ink to draw some designs on the paper.  I carefully applied some watercolors to make the page prettier.  The whole time I was doing the art, I felt this push/pull between being very meticulous in my art and letting go of perfectionism and ‘just doing it’.  Huh.  Interesting observation.  After I completed the art part, I grabbed the waterproof marker again to fill in my permission slips.

I decided to give myself permission to:

• Make mistakes
• Love myself
• Not take myself too seriously
  

  I allow myself to do/feel these things when I’m doing something that scares me.

See the underlined word above?  Now look for the same phrase in the picture on the bottom right.  Notice anything different?  Yes.  I made a mistake. In the picture on the right, which I tweeted and put on Instagram, I used the word ‘to’, instead of ‘too’.  As a writer – this is making me  C-R-A-Z-Y.  CRAZY!!!  I wanted to rip the page out, start over, delete the tweets and picture from Instagram.

But I didn’t.  Because permission number one above says I allow myself to make mistakes.  UGH.  This is really, really hard for me.  Especially knowing I shared my mistakes publicly with others.  But I can learn from this, right?  This is part of this course. Being vulnerable and allowing myself to make mistakes.  And make peace with it.  I might be hyperventilating or breaking out in hives from knowing this mistake is out there.  But I’m learning to live with it.

The second assignment was to take the Perfection Pledge.  In this assignment, we were to write the following on our palm with a Sharpie: I am imperfect and I am enough.  Okay, this is kind of fun.  This feels like coloring outside the lines.  Writing with a permanent marker, on my palm – not on paper.  Fun!  And if I’m honest, a little bit scary too. Because what kind of weirdo will others think I am, with handwriting on my palm, when I’m not a third grader?!

So I grabbed my black Sharpie and wrote on my palm.  Ugh.  The first thing I thought was that I didn’t like my writing.  More specifically, I didn’t like the big, fat ‘I’ at the beginning.  It was fatter than the rest of the letters.  Not perfect.  Maybe I should rewrite it on my other hand or wash this hand off and start over, I thought.  Then I read what I wrote again.  I’m imperfect & I’m enough.  Profound.  And hilarious.  Initially, I was upset the writing on my hand wasn’t perfect.  Yet here I was, making a pledge to accept my imperfection.  Again, huh.

The next step of this assignment was to take the ‘selfie’ with this on my palm.  So guess what I did next.  Surveyed the rooms in the house for the best lighting, put on some lip gloss and plumped my hair.  Oh, yes I did.  Then I sat down to take the picture. Determining which angle makes me look the best.  Because we all have a ‘good side’, right?  And then, I realized the hilarity of my actions thus far in preparing for the picture that was to confirm my perfection pledge.  I couldn’t help but giggle.  This didn’t keep me from taking two shots…but I consciously stopped after two ‘selfies’.  Forcing myself to accept any imperfections and pick from one of two shots.  Okay.  Picture done.

Wait.  No – it’s not done.  I must Instagram the shot.  Yes I must, because the lighting in this shot isn’t the best.  And Instgram can make it softer and add a nice little frame. Again…oooh. Yes. I. Did.  I had to soften my imperfections just a bit more, before printing and placing this picture in my journal.  See this?  The top is before Instagram, the bottom is after.  Oh the irony, of trying to perfect a picture, that is supposed to be all about accepting the imperfection!

The last portion of the art assignment was to decorate the LEFT page of your journal and then place the picture on it.  Huh. Look at that.  I did that wrong.  Yes. I. Did.  I made another mistake.  I decorated the RIGHT page in my journal and placed the picture there.  OOPS.  I still had the urge to tear out these pages and start over.  But the urge to ‘fix it’ wasn’t as strong as in the earlier assignment.  So this must mean I’m making progress, right?

Today, we were invited to upload our ‘selfie’ perfection pledge picture, along with one of our permissions, to the class page.  I logged in and did just that.  Choosing to focus on listing my ‘Make Mistakes’ permission – because clearly I was needing that reminder after the last couple of days.  After uploading my information, I looked at the other beautiful people and their pictures and permissions.  One of the first pictures I saw, the woman wrote her pledge on her hand in red Sharpie ink.  Why didn’t I think of that?!  That’s so much more creative than my typical black Sharpie!  And I’m a creative person.  Sheesh!

Whoa.  Hold up sister.

Here I was, spiraling down the hole of self criticism.  Again.  I wasn’t allowing myself to be me or my choices to be okay.  I wasn’t accepting myself as enough. Was this whole week lost on me?  No.  It wasn’t.  Because I could see it now.  I could see myself sabotaging my own self reflection.  I could see myself making mistakes and not being okay with it.

I could… SEE MYSELF.  And that’s the first step, right?  Seeing yourself.  Seeing your mistakes.  And then.  Then making a conscious and hard decision to be okay with it? To be uncomfortable with it.  But letting it be.

This course is clearly going to challenge me.  Challenge my vision of myself and my ability to self accept – AS IS.

To be imperfect and be enough.

But what a great lesson this will be.  Because once I accept myself as enough, then I can accept others as enough as well.  And I can love more and judge less.  Yes.  That.

After all, I’m still human.  But I’m making my way to a whole hearted human.

That makes me happy.  And perfectly imperfect.