Claiming my Life – Intention

I’m good at focusing on others. Taking care of other’s needs. But myself – not so much. It’s hard. Requires work, practice, intention.

I was tired of feeling weak. Mentally and physically. I was tired of being tired. Sick of feeling depressed, down. And as a result, my muffin top turned into a popover top. Because – have you seen popovers? Their top is poofier, yes…poofier, than a muffin. For Realz. And they’re great slathered in butter. Not that I slick my belly in butter. I’m not making that kind of comparison…but I digress…

So anyway…as I was saying…

With the exception of my growing belly (wait – if you started reading here, you might think I’m pregnant. I’m not. I just have an excess of cookies and chips in my belly – oh and cupcakes)…ANYWAY…as I was saying, with the exception of my growing belly, everything else felt stagnant.

And feeling stagnant forced a few questions into my brain. Where am I going in this life? What am I doing? Why do I feel like crap? Total crap? Where is my worth? What is my value?

As I admitted in my last post Feeling Small, I realize I have started to sink into the quicksand of depression. I’m not up to my neck yet, but I was certainly deeper than my ankles. I was deep enough that I felt a sense of immobility. Sluggishness.

I was struggling to move.

How long had I been in denial? In doubt? How long had I been ignoring the signs (tiredness, inability to sleep well, eating crap, not wanting to get off couch, binge watching lots of TV shows, not answering my phone, not calling people back in a timely fashion, if at all…and complete desire to be alone)?

I told you I wasn’t good at caring for myself. Putting myself first.

But something, and I’m not sure what, hit me a few weeks ago after I wrote the post in which I owned, opened and shared my feelings.

It was uncomfortable. Letting the vulnerability out. It was unsettling.

But.

But…I let it sit. Or should I say, I sat in it. Took a bath in vulnerability. Let it wash over me. All of me. Until I could deny it no more.

Not quite as good as a bubble bath with lavender, but still.

Because.

Because suddenly I started to feel free. Suddenly I started to feel whole almost. At a minimum, I could see wholeness on the horizon. I could see possibility.

I could see me.

Albeit at the end of the path, but I could see me…healthier, happier, whol-er (yes, remember…I like to make up words).

I felt ready to take the steps to get there.

So I sent a message to take the next step.

More on that message in my next post…but know this. I’m on a journey to take my life back. I’m planning on sharing that journey in a series of posts titled Claiming My Life and I plan to do so as openly, vulnerably, and honestly as I can – even when I’m most uncomfortable. Because I feel it can help. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t lost their way at some point in their life.

We all have struggles. And if by sharing, I can help others feel less alone in their fight for claiming their life – then I’ve served my purpose, served what I believe I was called to do. Oh…and make you laugh. I think I’m supposed to do that too.

So follow along on my journey, the fight to claim my life. But know this. It’s certain I’ll have days it’s hard. Days that seem like I’m destined to fail. Days that I actually do wander off the path to wholeness. And that’s okay.

But I may need you to be there to remind me, because I’ve got this nasty propensity to be really hard on myself. I may need a hand, some help dusting myself off after a fall. But together, we can make it you and I. Together – we can follow the path to wholeness, but to do so, we must start with intention. Today is the day my friends…today. is. the. day.