Choosing Love

This idea of choosing love sounds easy. Fashionable, almost. There’s truth in it, but it is a hard practice. When I say, ‘choose love’, I am referring to loving yourself. Intentionally choosing to seek love over fear, love over self doubt, love over judgement. Removing the ‘not’ from, ‘I am not worthy’.

Wow, is that harder than it seems.

I am in the middle of a spiritual seeking or awakening of some sorts. Perhaps it is because of my age. Perhaps it is because I am making the time. Perhaps, it is because we tend to seek out what we most need, especially in times of duress. And as you know, we’ve had some times of duress around here. In all my focus on my son and his needs, his torment, and his sadness…it is easy to lose myself. I am trying to make time for myself every day for reading, meditation, and self healing. And through this practice I am seeking and finding self-reflection.

One of the ways I am seeking is by reading and learning, dismantling myself piece by piece, to build myself back up again. There are a few books I’m reading that are helping me in the process. One is Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. It is a brilliant and transformational read, with guideposts along the way that help you practice what you are reading. The other is Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles. This book is a daily read, with guidance to help you look at life with love and ready yourself for miracles.

Neither comes without investment on your part. Meaning, you have to be willing to put in the work to get anything out of it. Such is life, right?

These two books force me to look deep within…underneath all of the layers and veils. As I do this, it is becoming increasingly clear how hard I am on myself. How easy it is for me to live a life that follows fear and unworthiness, instead of self worth and love.

How did I get here? Why do I feel this way?

The concerning part is how embedded it is. How easy it is to live this way. So easy that I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. Think of the subtle messages I’m sending myself ALL day long. Subtle, in that they’re subliminal, yet strong enough and full of force, they keep me in a space of ‘playing small’.

Is this how I want to live my life? How many years have I let slip by while playing small?

In yesterday’s message in May Cause Miracles, Gabrielle asks us to answer four questions in a steady stream of consciousness. Meaning – don’t edit your answers. Just write them down, as they flow from your mind…in a steady stream of words and thoughts. So I did. And it was sad, deep, enlightening and empowering. All at the same time. Below are the questions and my answers to them. Unedited.

Why am I sharing such personal journal entries? Because I don’t believe I’m the only one playing small. I don’t believe I’m the only one who deep down, beneath those veils, feels they are unworthy or not enough. And if I share, you too may decide to stop playing small (and it’s harder for me to hide in my smallness, if I’ve let it out for all to see).

As you read these…do they resonate? How do you feel when you answer these questions honestly, authentically?

How Have I Been Unkind to Myself?

Expecting perfection in all I do and how I look. Unforgiving and unrelenting of myself. Always saying, ‘I can do better.’

How Have I Been Playing Small?

When someone asks me what I do now for work, I often say, ‘I’m working on my writing,’ instead of claiming, ‘I am a writer’. Feeling like it’s fraudulent to claim myself a writer. Letting fear get in my way of trying new things, saying what I feel, doing what I want. Living my life for others and their expectations, instead of my own.

What is the Negative Story I Have Created About Myself?

That I don’t deserve the most happiness. That I am not good enough, smart enough or important enough, and ‘writer enough’ to be successful. That I should’ve done more to protect my child and his needs. That I’m scared to stand up to those I love and tell them my true feelings. That I am small.

How Have I Abused Myself with My Thoughts and Actions?

I would never, ever tell someone else the things that I tell myself. That would be mean, unkind and abusive. So why is it okay to do it to myself? I consciously and subconsciously tell myself all kinds of stories of not being or doing good enough. Over and over. And then I don’t forgive myself. Be the gentle witness, this book says. Be. The. Gentle. Witness. I need to practice this. 

When I first sat down to answer these questions yesterday, I read them first. One by one. And thoughts came flooding in on all the ways I sabotage my own life, live in fear, abuse myself with my thoughts and actions. It was overwhelming. Today, and hopefully for days to come, I will be intentional and careful in my thoughts. And when I start to tell myself unkind things, things that I would never tell another human, I will instead remind myself to be the gentle witness. I will remind myself to choose love instead of fear. Kindness instead of harm. Acceptance instead of judgement.

What would happen if I’m able to make these conscious choices, every day?

What would happen, if every day, I looked in the mirror and told myself, ‘I love you,’ instead of ‘you’re pale, your hair is too flat, your belly to fat and those bags under your eyes. THOSE BAGS.’

Can you imagine? What would happen?

Shall we find out?

I need reminders, that’s just the kind of person I am. So to help me in the process, I’ve set reminders on my phone, for every day at noon. They say:

Gratitude is the Attitude.

I am responsible for what I see.

I am willing to let go of my self doubt. I surrender to self love.

This is powerful. In the past, I would’ve never viewed the words, ‘I surrender’ as a positive thing. But my view is altered. Surrendering can be an extremely powerful concept, when used with good intention. It doesn’t mean I’m giving in, or giving up. But rather, it means, I’m accepting and opening myself to self love. It doesn’t mean I’m not fighting. It means exactly the opposite. I’m reaching, striving, with both hands open.

 

This is new for me. I’m certain I’ll stumble along the way, but the reminders and the book will set me back on course. 

Oh…and these post it notes I have posted all over my house. That should help too.

And if those don’t work, I’ll also have the reminder when I look at my child’s face. Because really, he loves me for who I am. He loves me for showing up and being me. He loves me with glasses, no make up and my hair in a pony tail. In fact, he’s even explicitly told me this a few times.

So when I find it hard to remember to love myself, I will look at him and remember to love myself as my child does. And be the gentle witness.